Kerry Waffles....

Here's a little Google trick I found today. I have requested that this be posted on snopes.com.

"If you type "waffles" and click the 'I Feel Lucky Button' on Google.com, you are taken immediately to johnkerry.com, Kerry's campaign website.

I suppose that waffles refers to the allegations by Republican's that Kerry was a "flip-flopper."

If you decide to post this, I would appreciate recognition somewhere on the page."

-->Rascilon<--

New Banner...

And I made it myself. A picture of the Monterey California coast about a mile or so from where I live. It's so beautiful here!

-->Rascilon<--

First day of class...

Well I started my college courses again today for the first time in a year. I jokingly like to tell people that I am on the ten year plan for my degree. So far I have attended UC Santa Cruz, Ohlone College and CSU Monterey Bay, but I still don't have a degree to show for it.

Part of the problem is I switched programs in the middle of my college career, moving from politics to computer science. Needless to say, this change, when combined with moving schools, meant I had to retake a lot of units. I actually have spent at least 6 years in college in total, having been on and off since 1994.

My only class today was Spanish 201, which is a level 3 Spanish course. I know already that the class is going to be very boring, and for that reason I am likely to have a little trouble with it. I have a hard time maintaining my motivation when I am not interested in the subject matter.

My personal life is looking up these days too. I have been fortunate to meet several new people in the last few weeks, so I don't feel as lonely anymore. It's nice to be able to talk with smart, funny people when I come home, as opposed to just playing video games.

I spent part of my day reading Christian websites until I got too mad to keep reading. I was pretty disgusted by how much bigotry and hate is disguised as faith and love. Having grown up in a Mormon home, I am particularly sensitive to issues of religion. Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through reading about it. It's not even a case of wanting to know my enemy. Rather, I am truly interested in how the other half live, and I feel compelled to make an attempt to understand.

Admittedly I have a long way to go on that.

Overall today has been a pretty successful day. I am enthusiastic and optomistic about tomorrow. I hope that I am able to get some work done however, because school and friends have been occupying the lion's share of my time. It won't be long before my boss comes down hard on me for not doing enough in the office.

I had better be careful.

Bad Karma?

Have you ever wondered what your talents are?

I wonder what mine are sometimes. Most of the time I think I have a pretty good idea of what advantages I have and what deficits I face.

In a lot of ways I am extremely lucky. I was born to two affluent parents, I got a good educations and had a stable home. I even was lucky enough to be tall, handsome and smart... (according to my own logic at least).

But this just doesn't seem to be enough most days. Strangely, it's when good things happen to me, that usually feel so confused and frustrated.

I'm an open and loving person (I think), and for the last year I have basically been in hibernation. I've been too afraid to express myself to others, worried that I might actually have to face my on fears of intimacy.

I've always been the kind of man that has been self-congratulatory about my own supposed "openess." I wonder sometimes, if this "openess," is just a disguise for a concrete fear of making a lasting commitment. I don't just mean a commitment to a woman, but really, a commitment to anything in my life.

Don't get me wrong... I'm a lover for sure. I love life, and all the people and experiences I've had. Unfortunately however, I am terrified at the prospect of predicting myself.

What does this mean?

For starters, it means 10 years in college and no degree. It means I live by myself after having had 20 failed relationships. It means after all these years, I am constantly "finding," but failing to "seek."

I'm sure that this doesn't make sense to most of my audience (all two of you!).

I'm not a religious person at all, but the closest I can come to understanding my predicament, is accepting that I must have made an excruciatingly difficult pact with god.

That's right I said "God."

I don't think God is a dude with a long White beard. I don't think it's a hateful or judemental force in life. God to me is "possibility." In that sense perhaps, God IS judgement. It's our own self judgement when we pass. I have a strange feeling that when we die, that we will judge ourselves.

So how would I judge myself now?

In many ways I am proud. I have met someone completely intoxicating.

She's the kind of person that could melt you with a smile. When I spend time with her I feel like I have a new best friend. I could go on and on about her qualities, but suffice it to say, in every way "she's a class act!"

It might seem as all these thoughts are disconnected from each other, but they really are related. I feel like God is reminding me that have a higher capacity, an ability to recognize and reward this new blessing.

And of course, warring against this is my own selfishness and stupidity. I'll just admit it. I have a lot of self-doubt.

All this talk about God and girls is scaring me too. It's no wonder. I haven't been much of a success in life. All talent, no ambition. The problem is, I can quickly love someone, but I have so much self-doubt, I don't believe I have anything to offer myself or anyone else.

I'd like to break this pattern in life. I'd like to be able to show others how much I love. I'd like to share my faith in existence.

I'm not a religious man, and yet I believe that life matters. So I wonder, am I doing the right thing?

-->Rascilon<--

Delaying Tactics...

Ok,

So I've had at least 3 weeks to barrel through this training binder I need to complete to be a certified Kofax techician. Unfortunately, I have found all kinds of excuses to get out of doing the work. I need to finish this before next Monday, because I will be starting classes then, and I would imagine that my schedule will become much more constricted.

Man, I am lazy.

-->Rascilon<--

As usual, the boss has a stick-up-her-butt!

Yesterday, Tuesday, I was feeling pretty sick. I had a headache and an upset tummy, so I decided (with reservations), to call in sick.

I knew when I did this, that my project lead would be all over my ass. Everytime I am absent (about once a month), she literally climbs the walls. She is very abrupt and insulting in her manner, and likes to insinuate that I am manipulative and dishonest. The truth is actually much more simple.

She's a cold-hearted B*TCH!

Anyhow, at least I have learned how to deal with it better. I don't complain anymore that it's unfair or try to justify my side of things. I usually just nod, apologize, and assure. She really is a terrible manager. The worst I've ever encountered. Yet despite this reality, she seems to think she is one of the best.

I guess that is because she prides herself on fascist-like record keeping and by-the-book mentality.

Sure enough, this morning she came over to my cubicle and berated me for a half an hour, loudly enough that all my co-workers in the vicinity could hear. When she left, some of them came over to tell me that they felt bad for me, having to listen to that, and suggested I file a greivance with Human Resources. Like that would solve anything.

There really is no point in arguing anything with her. She lives in her own authoritarian reality, and loves to repeatedly point out that she has seniority over me, and that I am the "lowest man on the totem pole." (Well, at least I'm not an ignorant hag! hehe)

She seems to think that the only justifiable "sick day" is when I am either terminal, or standing on a land mine. Everything else? I have to doc my pay. I actually don't really mind losing pay, because sometimes I really need the time off. It would be nice to believe that this would matter in the slightest to her, but what she really hates is the "absence." It really doesn't matter what the reason is.

Ironically, she only likes to micro-manage when she wants to bring down the hammer. Many many many days that I come into the office, she provides little or no support or direction. In fact, she doesn't even know if I am in the office or not. She tried to insinuate that I didn't come in on Monday, but I was in fact here all day. She was just creating fantasies in her head, that would support her line of "flawed" thinking.

She really thinks she's something special, a real "professional". The truth is, she has a crappy middle-management job at a crappy CSU. Most of the "things" she has in her life, like a nice car, and international vacations, come from her husbands paycheck. She doesn't recognize her own priviledge, and therefore has an easy time judging others according to unrealistic ideals.

She is impatient, harsh, judgemental, tactless, cruel, abusive, inconsistent, and inarticulate. She's definitely way way too big for her britches.

More than any other person or incident at this job, she makes me want to go postal, or quit, or both. But I won't, at least for now.

She's got to have someone to pick on after all. Right?

-->Rascilon<--

Awful Picture

I'm actually much more cute.

My picture is terrible, taken when I was at a party I didn't want to attend.

Man, I'm uggs.

-->Rascilon<--