Bad Karma?

Have you ever wondered what your talents are?

I wonder what mine are sometimes. Most of the time I think I have a pretty good idea of what advantages I have and what deficits I face.

In a lot of ways I am extremely lucky. I was born to two affluent parents, I got a good educations and had a stable home. I even was lucky enough to be tall, handsome and smart... (according to my own logic at least).

But this just doesn't seem to be enough most days. Strangely, it's when good things happen to me, that usually feel so confused and frustrated.

I'm an open and loving person (I think), and for the last year I have basically been in hibernation. I've been too afraid to express myself to others, worried that I might actually have to face my on fears of intimacy.

I've always been the kind of man that has been self-congratulatory about my own supposed "openess." I wonder sometimes, if this "openess," is just a disguise for a concrete fear of making a lasting commitment. I don't just mean a commitment to a woman, but really, a commitment to anything in my life.

Don't get me wrong... I'm a lover for sure. I love life, and all the people and experiences I've had. Unfortunately however, I am terrified at the prospect of predicting myself.

What does this mean?

For starters, it means 10 years in college and no degree. It means I live by myself after having had 20 failed relationships. It means after all these years, I am constantly "finding," but failing to "seek."

I'm sure that this doesn't make sense to most of my audience (all two of you!).

I'm not a religious person at all, but the closest I can come to understanding my predicament, is accepting that I must have made an excruciatingly difficult pact with god.

That's right I said "God."

I don't think God is a dude with a long White beard. I don't think it's a hateful or judemental force in life. God to me is "possibility." In that sense perhaps, God IS judgement. It's our own self judgement when we pass. I have a strange feeling that when we die, that we will judge ourselves.

So how would I judge myself now?

In many ways I am proud. I have met someone completely intoxicating.

She's the kind of person that could melt you with a smile. When I spend time with her I feel like I have a new best friend. I could go on and on about her qualities, but suffice it to say, in every way "she's a class act!"

It might seem as all these thoughts are disconnected from each other, but they really are related. I feel like God is reminding me that have a higher capacity, an ability to recognize and reward this new blessing.

And of course, warring against this is my own selfishness and stupidity. I'll just admit it. I have a lot of self-doubt.

All this talk about God and girls is scaring me too. It's no wonder. I haven't been much of a success in life. All talent, no ambition. The problem is, I can quickly love someone, but I have so much self-doubt, I don't believe I have anything to offer myself or anyone else.

I'd like to break this pattern in life. I'd like to be able to show others how much I love. I'd like to share my faith in existence.

I'm not a religious man, and yet I believe that life matters. So I wonder, am I doing the right thing?

-->Rascilon<--