Ok, so it's been awhile...

I must admit, when I first started writing this blog I had these grand ambitions of putting my thoughts down at least once a day. Sounds easy right? Well, apparently, when I feel down, I also don't feel like logging in and writing.

PLUS!

My computer, Daphne, (that's right I named my computer), crashed. She crashed hard. Now I am in the tech industry, so I know a few things about these contraptions, but 3 days of aggravation later, I can't even get her to boot up. Strange, because it's kind of like losing a loved one. In fact, maybe sadly, I've probably spent more time with Daphne, than any of my girlfriends over the last few years.

This Christmas has pretty much sucked. I have been basically completely alone for almost 10 days straight. All my friends are out of town, and I am too poor and too afraid to get wet to venture out of my house. Not only that, but a few days ago I had to report my junker car stolen. Nothing like talking to cops, especially on Christmas Eve.

My parents want me to come visit them in Fremont on Thursday. I had to delay the trip by a day, because another "friend" of mine robbed me. Not like she held me at gunpoint, but here's the situation. She called me everyday, like 5 times a day or more, even in the early morning looking for some pot. I have a friend who helps me out from time to time, so I made the arrangement for her. Anyhow, she comes over, takes it from me, says that she has to go down to the bank and "break her bill", and she'd be right back. That was 6 days ago. I have 24.37 to my name right now, so that $50 bucks she owes weighs heavy on my mind.

I'm not perfect. Not by any measure. I often wish I never started smoking or drinking or indulging in mj. But one thing I know for sure is that I have a lot more sense and morals than most of the people I come into contact with.

It's kind of funny really, because I feel trapped between two types of friends. Reliable friends, who are often caught up in religion or academics, who find it too easy to judge me for my "habits". OR Druggie friends, who don't judge me, but are so far gone with their addiction, as to have no idea how to operate in the real world.

I've never been to jail, and don't think I would find myself there except for the "friends" I keep. I can imagine myself getting arrested because one of my supposed friends couldn't make a reasonable choice.

I know I have bad habits, and I know they hurt me. What I can't find is the middle ground of acceptance. People who have flaws AND RECOGNIZE THEM.

I'm as much tired of religious moralists, as I am irrational and unpredicatable drug addicts.

Where is the middle ground? My druggie friends see me as the rock they can rely on, and my religious friends keep hoping to save me. I hate this. When I was younger, these differences didn't seem so pronounced, but the older I get, the more quickly I can identify the same scenarios repeating again.

It's turned me into a bit of a hermit. I've lost a lot of trust for the world and people. I realized years ago, that many of my bad habits like smoking or drinking don't ultimately better my life. It's not like I crawl the bars, or even drink every day, but I have a bad habit of needing "something" to take me out of my head sometimes.

I once thought that I was a handsome man. For most of my late teens and early twenties I just sort of cruised through life. I never had a shortage of friends or parties, or even girlfriends for that matter. But now it's just not the same.

Now I have fewer friends than I can count on one hand. And some of those "friends" have recently proved themselves completely unreliable. I guess I am just tired. I am tired of looking and trying to find the good in people, when so often it seems that selfishness and self-interest is their only motivation.

Since I really don't know what else to add right now, I think I will resign at this point and watch some terrible FOX.

-->Rascilon<--